Amy's blog: "my life"

Have you ever had a dream and then woke up freaking out?This is going to sound stupid so just go with me ok? Alright I am married and when I have a sex dream about a guy that is not my husband,I wake up freaking out and wondering if by some magic way he knew I was dreaming of someone else and I fell guilty.I feel so bad and I know its stupid.The last 3 nights I have dreamed that I was dating someone other then Dave.The first night I dreamed about my ex Gary.Gary and I dated for 7 years off and on.The next night I dreamed about my ex Randy who I dated for like a week in 8th grade.WTH?And then the last dream bothered me the most.I dreamed I was dating my ex brother in law Kevin.Kevin is like 6'4" and I am 4'11".In my dream lol I had to stand on something to kiss him.And all 3 dreams were heavy with the sex.Is it stupid to feel guilty over a dream?And I know it is stupid to wake up thinking"Oh god I hope Dave doesnt know I dreamed about someone else!" Like he can see what i am dreaming on the tv or something.UGH

The last month I have felt like nothing is worth doing.Everyday I have to go to work and I dont want to.I want to be home with Dylan and Dave.I feel like everything I do is pointless.Sometimes I feel pointless.I feel like a let down as a mother,sister,daughter,wife,friend,human. I just feel burnt out.I work 2 jobs to support my family.My day time job I am busy doing a shit load of stuff.I work for my parents,I am an office manager but I always have to do whatever they tell me to do.So every 2 weeks I drive 2 hours to the Indy office and spend the next 7 hours cleaning so my Dad can hand me a 100 dollar bill and say great job then I drive for 3 hours to get home cuz of the traffic.I have to do it cuz Im the only one to do it.And I think I should do it seeing as how my parents gave me life.I do anything and everything they tell me to do.I have never told them no and have always been there when I was needed.But I sometimes get treated like I do nothing and that hurts knowing all I do.I don't want a prize or anything but don't talk to me like I just sit and do nothing.So I feel like Why do I do everything all the time when I am going to get treated like I am worthless? One thing that has really had me sad is not getting to have another baby.I want another baby so bad.I wish I could turn it off but I can't.My best friend had a baby April 10th and it has made it worse.When she calls and talks about how she hates staying up all night feeding and all I can think is god I want to do that.I want that to be me so bad.I cry alot over it and hate it.And people say they understand but they don't.Knowing that I have no choice in not haveing a baby that I want so badly hurts.I dont want to feel resentment and I am very afraid I will or well really I am afraid I already do.I don't want to cry anymore.I just want to get over this.

Well it has taken forever but this Thursday I finally get to go and talk to the specialist/micro surgeon about haveing my tubes untied so me and dave can have a baby. I have really researched it and based on the everything I have read and based on the type of surgery I will be haveing,I will have a 90% of getting pregant in the first year!And Id like to get pregent at the end of this year.I know it might sound odd but I would like to have this baby in the summer since my sons birthday is in December. I have even thought of what kind of baby shower I want and my mom thinks it will be great lol Yeah that how much I have thought about this and how bad I want it.ANd of course I would love to have a girl.I want pink! or atleast purple lol

For most of my life,I have always gave in to people.I will totally forget about something I want and just do what someone eles wants instead.I give in to people i love like my family or spouse.There have been time were I will not give at all but most of the time Its me giveing in.But everytime I have give in I have never forgotten or forgiven.I will hold it againest you if I give into you.This time tho its different.Im not being asked to simply change my mind or plans but to give up something that I have always wanted for something that I hate the thought of doing and cry when i think of it.It makes me sad and angery to think about it.I know I will forever be mad over it.and I know i will hold a grudge for the rest of my life.I know me.I know how i am.I want something so bad but have to give up everything I have always wanted to get it.Its not far.Im just as good as anyone eles and i want what every other girl gets.Its not worth it at all.I hate being angery.It is not a feeling I like to feel at all.I think it make the body sick.And I cant get mine to go away.

I had a great weekend.I got to meet the band Air Supply.My mom has loved them forever and she was given tickets and meet and greet passes and we got to meet them and get our pics taken and I was really surprised when I met them.The one is the tallest man I have ever seen and I felt 4 standing next to him.The other is covered in tattoos and that made them cool to me.I made a joke about feeling really short and the main singer said I feel short everyday.Hes not that tall really and really looks short next to the other guy.They really put on a great show and sound just like they do on cd so thats saying something.Thanks to my mom ALWAYS playing there music i knew the words to all most all there songs.We had front row seats so that was cool and they even came out and walked the whole lenth of the room to see everyone it was cool And to top it all off I won 500 bucks on the slots!

Hello everyone.I hope everyone had as great a Valentines Day as I did. I cant tell you much about it cuz it was a lil X Ratedlol.So yeah IT WAS THE BEST! Anyway,I have finally gotten my apt to see about have my tubes untied so we can have a baby.I get to see the Dr. March 20th and I made the apt a few weeks ago.Busy Dr. but he is the top Dr. in bloomington,as a matter of fact the only Dr in Bloomington that does this stuff.I have done tons of reaching and based on all the facts,from what I had doneand how it was done to what will be done to undo everything,my chances are 90% so I think thats great.Getting my tubes tied was the right thing to do at the time when I had it done but I wish I hadnt of.I wouldnt have to go thru this now.Dave being the best that is his,is behind me 100% no matter what I do.He says if we dont have a baby hes ok cuz he has me and Dylan.I want a little girl.I want purples and pinks and butterflies.We have been trying to find good names and god the ones Dave has came up with.Hurby.I dont think so. I am really looking forward to getting to talk to the Dr. and going forward.We are not planing on haveing a baby ASAP.I want to wait to heal and for my body to get back and get balanced.One small thing you dont get told is that when you get your tubes tied,your hormonies go insane.i actually thought I was loseing my mind.It was tough.So Im sure that since haveing it done can do that,haveing it undone will cause a lil hormone unhappiness as well.So I am going to give my body TIME.I would like to have a baby next year or atleast get started on it in the end of this year.Dave is just all for what I want to do and when I am ready and I love him for that.Its great to know that he loves me no matter what happens.

Hello everyone.I have started my own website.I have opend Amy's Flip Flop Shop! I make flip flops that I design and hand sew myself so please check it out.And who knows you might want a pair for you or someone you know! http://www.geocities.com/amys_flip_flops/

Well it is finally the 18! i have been waiting for today since November.For Christmas I bought my woderfull husband 2 tickets to see Rodney Carrington tonight in Munice.To go along with the tickets,I got us a 2 night stay in a royal jucuzzie suit.He was so shocked when he opened the box Christmas morning and saw the tickets.He said he feels like crap cuz I also got him a new 32 inch flat screen tv,I got him a new colts hat and I had a hat custom made for just for him.Dave had such a hard year with him hurting his back,haveing surgery on his spine,and be in pain so I wanted to make his christmas really great this year.Plus this will be great for us to get away and just be togather,for us just to be 2 ppl who love each other and not mom and dad.I think everyone needs that time where you and your parter can just be lovers.So anyway I hope everyone has as great a weekend as I know im going to have.Hell how can I not? I have a hot husband that I get all to myself in a room with a jucuzzi for 2 days!!

Things have been so super busy.I have been working and shoping and wraping gifts.We have been planning Dylans birthday party Sunday.I have it all planed out by the hour lol Saturday,thankfull Amanda is going to come over and help me make 60 spongebob and patrick cupcakes.She always helps me set up his party and im so greatfull for her help.Dave is to keep dill entertained while we bake. Last week Dave tokk Dylan to go christmas shopping for me. Dave said first Dylan said I want to get mommy a rubby duckie.AWWW!They looked and looked but couldnt find it.So Dylan said I needed earrings. When they went to the counter,Dylan saw a neck lace and said thats it i wanna get her that.When they got home I was sent to the bedroom to wait for my gift.When hey came in the room before I was even holding the gift Dyaln says Yeah Mommy I got you a necklace! And it is the most beatiful necklace ever! I wear it all the time.He was so proud so himself and so am I.My baby is so big.Today he brought home a handmade placemate that he made in school for me as a gift.He opened it for me lol but its a reindeer.the antlers are dills hands and his face his dylans foot print. he also made a lil thing with his hand print on a plate and on the back dylan wrote his name on it his self.I cried like a baby lol Dave just held me and said I know honey i know lol My baby is going to be 5 sunday. Dylan is haveing surgery on the 28th.I will let everyone know how it all goes.We have to be at the hospital at 8am.Me and Dave are a lil worried of course but we know its going to be ok. Me and Dave are doing great of course.He got into bed tonight and put his arms around me and told me how happy he was tohave me and how much he loved me and how I was perfect for him.I love him and Im just so thankfull for him.And I cant wait to see him unwrap his gifts.He is going to crap when he sees what I got him lol...

Well they have moved my sons surgery to Dec 28th.And thats good cuz the sooner they can do it the better.I just want him to be better,poor lil guy.the 2 weeks after the surgery are going to be the hardest part.And I wonder what there going to give him for pain.What do you give a 5 yr old? Speaking of that,Dylans birthday is the 23rd so I have been trying to get ready for it.I think im going to make spongbob cupcakes this yr.Well anyway thats the update.