Snake Skinner AKA Motordromerider's blog: "JOKES 7"

MONDAY'S JOKE

                                       Indians don't use saddles'

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
 An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
 She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a- a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
 When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h- a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
 'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'
********************************************************************                                      TUESDAY'S JOKE
                                      Silent Class

The 3rd grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
 She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
 Finally, after much urging, little Julie spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
********************************************************************                                      WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
                                      How hot is it in Hell? 

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof. 
 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. 
 One student, however, wrote the following: 
 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 
 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 
 So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. 
 The student got the only A.
********************************************************************                                      THURSDAY'S JOKE
                                      English class

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
 "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
 A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
********************************************************************                                      FRIDAY'S JOKE
                                      Whiskey and Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "
Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. 
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
 Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms"
********************************************************************                                      SATURDAY'S JOKE
                                      Vulgar Joke

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.
 The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?"
 With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!" 
********************************************************************                                      SUNDAY'S JOKE
                                      Weird Science

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.

• "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

• "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

• "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

• "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

• "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

• "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

• "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

• "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

• "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

• "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

• "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

• "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

• "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

• "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

• "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

• "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

• "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspeds, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

• "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

• "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

• "Equator: An imaginary lion running around the Earth through Africa."

• "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

• "Liter: A nest of young puppies."

• "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

• "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

• "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

• "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

• "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

• "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

• "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

• "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

•"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."