These are just thoughts: "to be truely civilized, is to embrace disease..." ~ Robyn Davidson~ I have come to realize that one of the by-products of living and working through the crazy situations I find myself in, is that my tolerence for insanity increases expotentially. My ability to discern what makes sense and what doesn't become impaired. When so many around me continually exhibit bizzare behavior, I begin to question my own flippin' sanity! Maybe it isn't so much as I am insane as that particular situations are insane. Perhaps by trying to adjust to it aids to my becoming progressively crazier?! If "to be truely civilized is to embrace disease", perhaps I need to take a closer look at what I consider and define as "civilized" !! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To be happy, should we consciously and continually strive for more accomplishments and accumulations? Or do we lower our expectations and learn to be more content with what we have? Many believe that by lowering our expectations means surrendering our dreams. Personally I believe they are suffering from thinking errors, they are wrong. I believe that pushing ourselves too much and taking the time to do it right, are compleately different. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Vacume isn't just emptiness. It is the absence of something, and if it weren't incased in it's walls, a vacume wouldn't be possible. I am familiar with the the feeling of emptiness. There have been times I have felt that there just wasn't just a drop of energy in me. These periods are like the 'dark night of ones soul.' I would just about do anything to avoid feeling them; even become addicted to whatever helps me NOT to feel. I have been trapped by the very life I have designed. My architectural wonders have become prefabricated horrors. My enclosures are of my own making, and only I can dismantle them. I just need to remember that when a vacume is opened; many interesting possibilites can rush in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I do not have a Ph.D. in parenting. If I did, I would probably be worse then I am now.How much energy would I put into trying to mold and control my children; not for their sakes, but so they would reflect better on me. People are usually unable to see their children as seperate and important beings who are here to share time with us so that we can learn from one another. So many people believe they need their children to validate their lives and their choices in life. When people do this, people use their children as objects, which is totally disrespectful of their children and themselves. I believe that to love my children is to see them, respect them, share life with them... and always let go. And the fact that I get this makes me feel like an awesome parent. A poem or two .... Free me now from my chains, set my heart ablaze. Pull me in and push my gate open, come inside of me. Body or heart, show me your power and strength. Don't let me go, let me know you! Whether I beg to be free or not, push on me and take me as your own. Keep me close and make me fit you, lead the way for I will follow. Free me now from my chains, take me without hesitation. Don't look at unrealistic expectations in fantasy, instaed unlock your wonders and show me. Teach me for I am your student, Show me what you have inside. Bring not worry nor insecurities, just bring your love and lust. Be there; be here now! Don't stop your journey deep into me, stay there inside. Make me beg for more, then make me beg for less! Give yourself over willingly...with all of you inside of me, push through my gate. Enter my garden and make it yours. Free me now from my chains, and forever bound me to you! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To feel this pain once again... I would dive into the fire, to feel the pleasure once again. I fall into your arms... knowing I am drowning in you, scares me again. It isn't right how it all plays out, you know your boundries and I can't keep mine. Crossing them leaves me confused, I don't know what more you want . To feel the the pain again .... means I have to give into you. To feel the pleasure again... I have to know the pain. What can I do? Deny myself again? I am lost in you, taken by my own wants and longings. I don't run from you... instead I embrace the pain to get the pleasure. It hurts so much but the reward of it all I seek again. I should break free, but I can't see through the mask over me now. So deep and lost I am in your ways. Feeling a sickening pain inside as I consumed by flames and haunted by the memory ... of the pain your pleasure brings. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why you ask I put these here... because I fuckin can, lol!